The No Phrasebook

You do not need to be told that you say yes too often. You need to know what to say instead, in words, at ten past six on Thursday.

This is a reference book, not a motivational one. Ninety situations, one page each, and on every page the actual sentence.

WHAT IS ON EACH PAGE

- WHAT IS ACTUALLY BEING ASKED - the mechanism, in three lines. Not their intentions, which nobody can know. What the request is doing

- THE LINE - the default sentence, written to be said out loud by an ordinary person in an ordinary voice

- SOFTER - for people you want to keep

- FIRMER - for the third time of asking

- IF THEY ASK AGAIN - the most important line on the page, and nearly always the shortest

- DO NOT SAY - a real phrase people actually use, with a short note on exactly what it undoes

Examples of the last one, because it is the part most books leave out: "I'll see what I can do." "It's more like an hour, actually." "I'll stop when you've found someone else." "Stay as long as you like." "I'm sorry, things are a bit tight this month." Each of those sounds like a refusal and functions as an opening.

NINETY SITUATIONS, IN NINE SECTIONS

The ask that arrives at the last minute · the favour that became a standing arrangement · money · comments on your body, your choices, your home · family, holidays and the group chat · friends who only call when they need something · the colleague who hands you their work · when they push back, sulk or go quiet · when you are the one who has to open it.

NO AFFIRMATIONS

There is not a single one in this book. No truths, no reminders that you are enough, no invitation to choose yourself. If you wanted encouragement you already own three books of it, and it is not what fails you in the doorway.

There is also no promise here about therapy. The author is not a therapist, a counsellor or a coach and says so plainly. Nothing in this book is faster than, better than or a substitute for working with someone qualified. No studies, no statistics, no clients, no case files.

And nothing in the workplace section is legal or employment advice - not about your rights, your contract or what an employer may do. Only what to say to another adult who has put their task on your desk.

FIVE RULES, STATED UP FRONT

Short beats good. A reason is a target. The second time matters more than the first. Repeat, do not improve. Say it, then stop talking.